I just finished watching A Single Man with Alexa, and I can't help but think about how a story set a few decades ago can still be so relevant and important today. But I'm not here to talk about the social ramifications of gay marriage and the ideals we as gay men try to subscribe to because they are "normal" to a world that does not see us as "normal." No, I'm here to talk about myself, which frankly, is what I do best.
I want to begin this post by making sure that anyone reading it understands that this is not a plea for compliments or for friends to tell me to "hang in there" and that "once you stop looking, that's when you'll find him," because that's the last thing in the world that I want to hear. Thanks in advance. You see the thing is, I can't really put my finger on why exactly it is that I am single. And have been, with very little in the way of opportunity, for over four years. And sure, I've had a couple of false starts along the way, and I admit that maybe once or twice I chose not to pursue someone that may have worked out, but four years is a long time dammit! So what is wrong with me?
I used to be pretty busy: working full time at a bank was a 6-day a week job, and bar-tending on the weekends on top of that. Oh and then there was school, which also took a lot of time. These are things that I did to better myself, mentally and financially, and I acquired a lot of the things that I wanted, save for that one thing that eludes me... a freakin' date on a Friday night. I put work and school above a lot of things, and I even think that those choices were part of the reason my first and only major relationship ended the way that it did. But at the end of the day, these were good decisions, right? I have succeeded in the banking world, attained a college degree, and managed to do it without sacrificing too much of my "life". So a successful career and an education can't be the relationship-killer that they seemingly are, so maybe there is something else.
Circuit parties. That has to be it! I go to 2 - 4 circuit parties a year, with friends from all over the country. I have met people from 10 countries, and experienced music the way it should be: on a dance floor with 10,000 sweaty guys having a great time. Surely there's no way anyone that goes to these sinful events can have a relationship, or expect one to come of them. The only problem with this thought is that I go to these parties with, mostly, couples! Some of them are the happiest couples I know - I won't bore you with their names, but they know who they are. These are relationships that I hope to someday be able to model my own after. Loving relationships, comfortable with each other, respectful, fun, focused on success, friendship, enjoying themselves and everything they do. Fun though it is for me to go, frankly, I wonder where I'm going wrong here. Where is my handsome, tall, white, muscley professional that wants to go dance and be silly on a cruise boat with 3,500 new friends? I'm not asking for the world here - just a companion. And maybe, for once, I don't want it to be someone ELSE'S companion (if ya know what I mean).
My friends are very important - maybe to a fault. Recently I experienced the loss of a great friend, because he chose to focus on a relationship. I have never, and could never, make that decision. My friends are my everything, and I cannot imagine trying to put the pressure of everything that these people give me on the back of one man. It wouldn't be fair to him. Cause frankly, I'm sure some would agree, I'm a bit of a handful. Without the Five Easy Friendships (Becky, Todd, Aaron, Mikey, Alexa), I wouldn't be able to recognize myself in the mirror when I think I start to lose myself, and without the other major friendships in my life, I wouldn't even know if I was lost. I've seen so many times when the decision has to be made, "bros" or"hos"... and I feel that the right decision depends on what's most important to the man making it. I feel that throughout my relationship, I was able to adequately balance my relationship time and my friend time... and none of my friends can say that I chose my man over them. Hopefully he would agree that I never chose them over him, either. Can it work though? Can I find someone that can put up with me, be all mine, but that can handle my wanting to go to a movie with Kyle and not with him? More so, I wonder if I can I handle it if HE wants to go to a bar without me?
"Love is a many splendored thing love, lifts us up where we belong - all you need is love" sings Christian to Satine in Moulin Rouge. I wonder sometimes. If I am good at my job, am loved by family and friends around the world, if I'm healthy, relatively happy more often than not, and am able to dream and make those dreams into reality, why do I even need a man? Do I need love and with it, the heartbreak that comes when that love isn't there anymore. I remember when I realized, really realized, that my relationship was over how incredible the pain in my chest was. It was unreal - I told Jon Amico, "It really hurts in my heart, like my actual heart is breaking." I meant it too, so why think about wanting to go through it all over again? There are so many times I think I am so lucky I don't have a boyfriend - like when one wants to go home from a party and the other doesn't, or when I meet a handsome stranger on the street and get all the fun feelings of what might be, or right now when I am going to go to Chipotle for the 3rd time in 7 days and I don't have to answer to ANYONE. I am impatient, stubborn, and I get bored easily, I think. I look around too much when I talk to someone, and I don't really like PDA. There are times that I think I'm Samantha, but deep down I know I am just Miranda: stubborn, sarcastic, smart and friend-focused... and looking for one person to love.
Maybe in the new year, with so many changes coming, and with so many looming decisions to be made, I can take a look at some of these qualities and make myself either 1) a happy single man or 2) a man that can be someone else's one person to love. Either way this state of grey blah-ness can't continue for much longer, for I fear, as the ridiculous Carrie Bradshaw once thought, that I am becoming cynical about this love stuff. And the last thing I want to be is bitter.
Well, more bitter.